| The Canadian Friend
November-December 1997
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Journey of a Pagan Quaker
Susan Dew-Jones - Victoria MM It is critical for me as a Quaker to listen to the Inner Spirit and be open to explore, seek, act with that voice. Probably that rings true for most Canadian Friends. The manner in which I view the Spirit, listen to Her and respond, however, can seem to be "diverse." I left the Christian faith partly because I could never decide: did I or did I not believe in God. After having no faith community for several years, I was excited by reading Pagan literature which stated the importance of spiritual experiences in our lives over what we believe in our heads. Life itself is sacred and a myriad of holy mysteries! I have come to believe (as a bottom line) that all parts of our universe are sacred and that between them there are sacred connections and influences. God is not separate from any part, connection or influence, but is immanent in all. I also believe that we create the sacred in our lives as much as the sacred universe creates us. Despite and because of these bottom lines, I see my Goddess more as a dancing-life partner than either an omnipotent figure, external and forgiving or a spirit so perfect-loving that she is static. She seems to have a personality--sometimes wondrous, other times difficult. In a sense, we create each other (in my life); so it is not just me that has to mould to Her--we learn to work together. Perhaps the most difficult part for me is anger with the God or Goddess; feeling a victim of life circumstances without the skills or resources to manage them. Loneliness and not fitting-in have traditionally struck a hard chord here. In the last five years, it feels as if the universe and I have learned to dance a song around my difficult parts. I can more graciously hear what Life is offering me and am more open to creating my own path--and She is a little nicer to me. I have found good communities (like Friends), an appropriate job, a sunny home, other queer folk, prideful personal pursuits... The Goddess has shown me people, skills, opportunities. I am most grateful, but still sometimes struggle to forgive Her. I listen for the voice of the Inner Spirit each day. I have to tune in again and again. I stretch, sing, cycle, yap to the goddess, phone trusted friends, create Sacred Space, do rituals--but my God radio station still flits in and out. This week I realized it would make more sense to ask Her, point blank, to turn up the volume, PLEASE. Sometimes hearing the Inner One talk really comes from knowing the right question to ask (a Quaker and Wiccan favourite). Although I listen in many ways, I often return to this question: "What is your heart's desire?" When I was a teen, my Anglican father told us that Christians prayed for centuries that God's word be written on their hearts; hence our consciences developed. Over the last five summers, I have deeply learned to use this question--or hearing aid--from B.C. Witchcamp. No matter the ritual, external story, dance or song; we come back again and again to listening for our heart's desire. In response from Her, Camp has been a powerful place where I do hear that Inner Voice. After listening, hopefully "speaking out" follows. At Meeting, we focus on the verbal; but my favourite way to "speak out of the silence" is well-led Sacred Circle Dance. We centre down and dance with the Spirit flowing one to another. Between pieces, we hold the energy and wait joyously, thankfully or expectantly. My real challenge is to integrate "speaking out" into my working life. Here is where discernment becomes vital. I hang "Bruce," my red penknife, at my altar for a daily reminder: I will strive to cut out all my voices and actions clearly in order to shape good personal boundaries, bold or ethical actions, a strong self. I agree, She changes everything She touches! Ultimately, my listening and discerning is about creating and re-creating my life, thought by thought, word by word, action by action. This has become what I call my Religious Story, a contrast to allow life to just happen or to overtake me. It challenges me to live graciously with myself, others and Life Herself. This summer as part of a Bard and Warrior journey (viewed as Truth Teller and Protector of Truth), I sewed myself a beautiful badge stating: Most Improved By the Grace of the Goddess. It is a sewn spell or prayer of rejoicing and thankfulness. It celebrates not only myself and the Goddess but also our ever changing dance of life together. I will close with part of a well-loved, Pagan writing from Starhawk's book, The Spiral Dance: ...I who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters, I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe. From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return. Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold--all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honour and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And you who seek to know Me, know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is obtained at the end of desire. Doreen Valiente |